I've been told it's okay to not be okay. While I believe that to be a true statement I fight daily to make everything in my life look like it's okay. As this week comes to a close I have been significantly reminded of so many of my failings. I've failed at many things in my life and with each additional failure I'm reminded of so many character flaws that create a repeated pattern in my life. My insecurities constantly take over and my unwillingness to say "no" or be confrontational hurts my family, my friendships, and my career.
Reflecting upon this week it began as a normal week. Frustrations over not working out enough at the gym and looking in the mirror to see how my lack of training has taken a negative toll on my body. My stomach is fat, my face is fat, my arms are flabby. I'm embarrassed to even walk through the gym in this condition. Feeling insecure in the way I look and blaming my eating habits and telling myself how lazy I am for not getting to the gym as often as I should. Placing the self defeating thoughts into my head and feeling as though those thoughts are true. I know how I can be but I'm failing at doing it.
My son is failing in school and struggling with his own mental health issues and I've told myself that as his parent I have failed him. I have not pushed him hard enough, I have not impressed upon him enough how important school is even though the family counselor has told me to stop "hammering" him about it. So if he's failing, I must be failing him.
I have very few friends that I consider close and confide in because in my history of friendships if I am too vulnerable they may see that I'm not a perfect person and won't want to be friends with me. In order to not place any burdens onto my friends I only want to please them. I keep my own insecurities to myself. This took an ugly turn this week when one friend became curious about another one of my friendships. A friendship that I have kept very close and private. While I've been open and vulnerable within the friendship it's a friendship that is important to me and I know needs to be protected. When my one friend inquired I stated that we had been chatting and my insecurities showed through. She requested to review my phone and the easy answer to that request is "no." But that's not what I did. If I had truly protected the friendship and been strong enough to say no, further hurt would not have been caused. She impressed upon me that I needed answers to questions I was saying didn't need to be asked. Questions that I knew were none of my business but she insisted that they were. I know that my friendship was meaningful on both sides and that was truly all that mattered. Having insecurities doesn't mean that any immediate, hot headed, emotional response is required. But I failed. She proceeded to intervene and send text messages through my phone that ended up causing hurt to me and my other friend. So much so that I spun into an emotional reaction so desperately wanting to make things right that I continued to act in ways out of my character that I don't know can be forgiven, and only made the situation worse.
I am not angry with my one friend for intervening as she really felt that she was somehow protecting me. By me allowing her to take the actions that she did I cannot blame anyone but myself. I am so angry and hurt with myself for failing and possibly ruining a friendship that has come to mean a lot to me. A friendship in which right now I am not looking for anything other than forgiveness.
Throughout my time of prayer this week the Lord was clear with me to "be still." So clear that there was no question and I had already told myself that for this week I needed only to be still. Another reason that when asked about taking actions I knew the answer was a very clear NO. But I failed.
I am one year out of a divorce from an 18 year marriage. I'm still trying to find my personal path and my direction. The friendship I may have lost this week was one of companionship that I have very much appreciated over this past year. I'm not looking for any more than that right now. I don't need anything more than that right now. I need to find my way and my friends need to find their way. Where those journeys take us only God knows. I feel like the way things were represented this week makes it look different and that hurts my heart.
I have seen some additional habits that I know need to stop, and need to stop now. I hope I have the strength to be guided back to where I should be and stop the bad habits I've created. I know I will fail at that too but I will also get back up and keep trying.
I am broken. Please forgive me.
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